I hide behind the words of wisdom of women wiser than I’ll ever be;
Hide behind the veiled revelations of grief,
Hoping no one will notice and try to comfort me.
Because the disguise denies the intimacy,
Of this pain.
To my shame, I admit I crave:
The sadness. The misery. The tears.
Because if my eyes ever clear;
If a smile ever appears;
It’ll feel like a betrayal.

Nothing has ever hurt like this.
It’s not just the times I’ll miss,
Or your quiet kindness.
It’s not just an emptiness,
Where you used to be.
It’s an insurmountable burden,
I shoulder willingly.

I’m lost in trying to continue without you.
You are… You were… You will always be…
So strong. So selfless. So Good.
You taught me so much:
That not everything thought has to be voiced;
That sometimes strength is in the choice,
To stay silent and persevere;
To let yourself be judged by actions, not arguments.

Nothing has ever hurt like this.
No words are worthy to say goodbye,
But I try and I try to find some;
To find the right ones;
Because you deserve a proper farewell….
A proper Thank You. A proper I Love You.

 Jessie Gutierrez