Delusions

God, I miss you.
I miss you. God.
You’ve hurt me in
Ways I could’ve never
Imagined.
I think I may have imagined
All the ways you hurt me.
It was never real,
If you were never real.
Can the fake leave you
Scarred?

I miss the magnitude of your name.
The way it felt to be reminded
Of your presence, Of your power
Even in your absence –
It’s intense –
The lack I now notice.
The word has gone missing
And where it once rung
Lies a chill.
The sound is gone.
And I didn’t know
‘Til now, how I had
Come to walk around
Led by its beat.

Its echo is in my ears –
A tangible wind,
Uplifting and warm.
A summer’s breeze.
And now it’s
Perpetual winter
A fresh snowfall
Landing upon a lost soul
Who doesn’t even believe in souls.
Beautiful but deadly
Adrift in the blanket
Sent to smother.
I want, I want,
I want…
To forget you
To not miss you

If it was all in my head,
All I need is my head
To get it all out.
Right? Right?
Right.
Was the delusion
you ever being there?
Or ever thinking I could
Get away for you?
Or missing what never was?
Or missing what will always be?

If I made you up,
How could I come to
Miss you so very much?

Jessie