I’ve been pretty MIA for awhile now. Overburdened with promises I made without really considering how much they would personally tax me. One of those, really the one with the most to gain/lose, was my agreement to officiate a good friend’s wedding ceremony.
It transpired this past weekend. It went…. far better than I could have hoped, to be honest. My heavy reliance on my ‘inner wolf’, as I jokingly call my tenuous confidence, pulled me through a situation that terrified me.
After the ceremony and the dinner and the dancing there was an afterparty at a bar just downstairs. I wanted to change out of my spiffy dress and take a moment to myself, so I Irish goodbye’d my way out of the ballroom and escaped to my hotel room.
I never made it to the bar downstairs.
My friends have long accepted that despite working in the service industry surrounded by people, I classify myself as an introvert. Not all of them, especially the newer ones, believe me when I say this though. Until it comes to moments like that one, where I disappear and can’t bring myself to reemerge.
When I moved back to Maryland I knew that I was going to be social. I had missed events and people and holidays for years. There was going to be some kind of push back on all that precious alone time I had enjoyed in Colorado. I knew that. And it wasn’t like I was dreading seeing people I love more often. I wasn’t and I still don’t. But… sometimes it’s painful and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
I do feel hungover from large groups of people. It makes me anxious. And sad. And genuinely less than when I get to be in small groups or left to my own devices. Which is honestly a huge issue given that the main way I know how to make a living is in restaurants, where the only way to survive is on the custom and generosity of many, many strangers.
This update has no purpose and no reason.
I am sad and feeling like less than I should be. Depressed and flattened by what should be blessings. Guilty and angry about what I can’t help feeling. I’m not writing and I’m not moving forward. I’m not reading and not planning for more.
It’s all in my mind. But I can’t cut through it. For officiating the wedding, the new bride and groom gave me a beautiful, thoughtful gift. I love it, and it reflects… so much about our friendships, and their understanding of who I unapologetically am. So much more than a traditional ‘thank you’ gift.
I’m so grateful for the people around me. I’m so lucky for the people around me. So why the hell do I still feel so down?