I’m numb
and I miss who I Was.
who I am is
Acting a part of a role,
I no longer remember.

a faded, flawed caricature
of the me that was Happy.
dialogue and expression blurred;
no one’s seen past the exaggerated
Estimation of my once automatic reactions…
All of this
taxing
an exact replica
impossible to recreate.
Progress in miniature,
a failure of significant proportions.

I long for an ending.
I just want a stop.
Heaven, Nirvana, Silence;
there has to be more than this,
moving for motion’s sake.
Leave behind my painted shell,
my own personal Hell
of continued impersonation.
The rare moments felt?
are like being burned alive,
so I suppress them down,
bottle them up, and go back to
being your performing clown,
Acting a part of a role,
I no longer remember.

Jessie Gutierrez

Author’s Note: So I was torn between using the original Tegan and Sara version or the PVRIS cover with this missive. Stevie and I are big fans of PVRIS, and have featured their music quite a bit on the site, but I’ve been listening to T&S for decades. In the end, the deciding factor was the gloomy feel of the cover song. I still love the original though.